A voice in the crowd

The theme for this month’s Scientiae carnival is “A voice in the crowd”.  This month is being hosted over at Podblack, and the deadline for submission is July 2^nd, so hop to it!!!

I am a quiet person.  I prefer to listen rather than talk.  I do not yell.  I feel sometimes like I don’t even have a voice.  How, then, can I be a voice in the crowd?  More importantly, how can I make my voice heard?  How can I motivate/encourage/coerce myself to speak up?

What value is there in speaking up?  Especially if no one is really listening.  And how often is someone really listening?  Is it better to remain silent and wonder “What if?” or to speak yet remain unheard?  To scream and remain unheard? 

I am beginning to understand that I struggle with verbal communication, even with the people closest to me, even about completely minor things.  This is something I really need to deal with sooner rather than later, mostly for the sake of my own sanity. 

I worry that if I say what I think, people will think I’m crazy.  How do I get over that (very teeny tiny little miniscule) hurdle?  

scientiae-carnival

Validation

I think one of the most pleasant feelings is that of validation.  It's especially sweet when you've been contemplating something a lot, feeling frustrated, feeling misused and feeling like it's just not fair, and thinking you must be completely nuts for feeling those things.  And then to find out that there are thousands or more other people that feel just like you do.  Ahhhh.  It's almost a sense of relief.  I'm not crazy.  These are legitimate ways for me to be feeling about this.  Which raises the question, why did I not feel like my feelings were legitimate to begin with?  I think it's still too early for me to think about that too much.

In a related issue, why am I afraid to ask for support from TM, the one person on the planet (that isn't related to me) that loves and supports me more than anyone else?  There is a very simple thing I want to discuss.  It's not a huge ordeal.  Well, it could become one, but statistics say it won't be.  Why am I having such a hard time asking for his help on this one?  Why am I convinced that he thinks I'm crazy?  I think maybe I'll ask him to read the things that made me feel so validated first.  Maybe then he'll have a better idea of where I'm coming from.  Why am I second guessing myself on this so much?  Why do I keep feeling like he's going to think I'm a manipulative bitch?  I don't have any reason to think he'd respond to this in anything less than a totally positive manner, so why do I keep beating myself down?  I think I need a little more optimism in my life.

Oh noes! Come back Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde!!!

Tear!!!  I second ScientistMother's sentiments!!!

And the Louie cat says:

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It's 5am...

I'm in lab.  And I feel like I'm going to puke.  Somehow I don't think this is going to be a good day.

Bits and pieces

TM and I did end up having a good talk while we were "babysitting" on Friday night.  It definitely made me feel better.  At the very least we got some things out in the open, which is always good.

However, I'm still feeling like crap.  I'm trying really hard to perk up, but I just feel apathetic about everything.  I put on the appropriate faces and the appropriate times, but I really just don't care.  I'm pretty sure I know what's causing it, and although I'm not making an immediate change to fix it, I'm taking some small steps.  That at least lets me feel like I'm a little more in control.  At the very least, I'm still sleeping well, so that's something.

Speaking of which, I had bizarre dreams last night.  A whole collection of them.  Complete with people having babies, dropped laptops, dolphins, quicksand, dead people and drunk people.

I got some interesting data today.  Really kind of intriguing.  And I'm trying to be excited about it.  But I don't know where to go from here.  I'm not sure what it really means, or how to figure anything else out.  Hm.

Crazy Man is going to be out of town for two weeks!  But that means I have to figure out Interesting Data and how to follow up and finish up this grant resubmission without tormenting him.  Which makes me sad.  I enjoy tormenting him when he's stressed.  It amuses me.  And I could use a little more amusement in my life.  He's totally freaked out about leaving us unsupervised for so long.  It's actually kind of sad, yet funny to watch.  He has some serious issues.  I would say that he needs therapy or medication or something, but I really don't think it would help.  I really just think he's neurotic.  

Jumping in, starting a conversation...maybe

I thought for sure I'd spend some time writing while TM was out of town.  That totally didn't happen.  I was lazy beyond belief.  But it was good for me.  

(Like this is anything new...)

I was thinking about baby stuff the other night and then again while I was flowing yesterday (the experiment from hell that didn't even tell me anything...grrrr!!!).  So I made a spreadsheet of things I considered essential costs related to having a baby.  Added everything up and sent it to TM.  Hopefully it won't freak him out too much!  It actually added up to way less than I expected.  We'll see how he reacts.  We're babysitting for some friends tonight, so maybe we can chat about things.  I'm told the children will be sleeping...

Well that was quick.  Eyeroll.  His reply was, "See, expensive!"  I'm going to go cry in my cell culture now.  :(

Bumper sticker wisdom

Saw this driving home today:

Remember the person you wanted to be.

Hm.  I may need to think on that one a bit.

In other news, I made a frickin' amazing massaman curry tonight.  Oh my.  I impressed myself!

Randomness

The current CNN quick vote question:

Will Sen. Hillary Clinton's speech on Saturday help unify the democratic party?

Maybe I'm missing something...wouldn't that sorta, kinda, ya know, depend on WHAT SHE SAYS?  I'm mean sure, what she's going to say is probably pretty predictable.  But something outrageous could happen.  Just for the sake of argument.  CNN polls irritate me to no end.

You know what else irritates me to no end???  Dueling chainsaws outside my bedroom window at 7:30AM on Saturday.  Who does that???  Apparently my neighbor two doors down.  Grrrrr!!!  I appreciate that it's supposed to be like 900 degrees here today, but I needed to sleep dammit!

My sister just sent me a picture of a turtle.  

Mr. Lou is clingy this morning.  He sat in the bedroom door until I got up, and hasn't let me out of his sight since.  I guess he's still hoping for some breakfast.  Well so am I, little furry one.

More substantial posts coming soon, I promise.

Quick rant

I am tired of reading/editing this grant that Crazy Man and the Golden Child have put together.  I think the premise is crap and I just don't like it.  Stir into the mix that neither one of them knows how to use a comma.  That all bakes up to be completely and utter misery for little ole me.  Hmph.  I've been reading it since I got here this morning.  It actually isn't terrible (aside from the commas), but I still don't buy it.  So I'm becoming one of those people that only fixes grammar and makes no real comments about the science.  Hmph.  Oh well.  Yaaaawn.