Thursday, January 29, 2009

Biting my tongue

I generally have a very good relationship with my mom. We went through a lot of crap when I was much younger, and so we've always been pretty close. But I swear to God if a screaming baby doesn't burst forth from me in the immediate future, I may be forced to kill her!

I went to the doctor today for my yearly checkup. My mom knew I had an appointment, so I emailed her to let her know that everything was fine. What response do I get? "You're not preggo are you?" Of course meant in a please-God-let-her-be-I-need-grandchildren-now-now-NOW way.

Of course, now she says that she was just joking. After I told her that I was biting my tongue and trying not to flip out on her.

What I really wanted to say was some combination of the following:

-How many times do I have to tell you that we're waiting until I finish grad school?
-How many times do I have to ask you not to go there?
-What part of we aren't ready to have a baby yet is unclear?
-What part of daycare costs more than our mortgage and we're not exactly rolling in dough is unclear?
-How many times do I have to explain that it's hard enough being a female and a scientist and I'm just not ready to make that more complicated yet?

I know she doesn't mean to be shoving a knife through my heart on a regular basis, but dammit this isn't easy! I have enough frustration and guilt without her continually heaping more on. I can't tell her how when my dad was dying all I could think about was how much he loved my cousin's little boy and how he would never meet my kids. And how much that still tears me to shreds.

Why do I feel bad for being different than my cousin who
-is 20 and on her second baby, with two different fathers?
-doesn't work and lives with his in laws, but has two adorable boys that he and his wife dump with a different relative every weekend because "they need a break"?

Why is it that I, the responsible one, the one with a husband and an education and a steady income and a car and house I can afford, who chooses to make responsible reproductive decisions, am the one crying over things?

1 comment:

EthidiumBromide said...

Your mother sounds exactly like my MIL. I swear, the second I AM pregnant, she's going to reach her hands right in there and rip that baby out, she'll be so desperate to officially be a grandmother. She has been desperately trying to convince my husband to get me pregnant... before he moves away and we start our long distance marriage, so that she can move down here, move in with me, and raise the baby.

I think I'd rather be abducted by aliens.