Wednesday, September 24, 2008


I am not perfect. I am many things. I have many talents. I have many skills. I am very good at a fair number number of things (and very bad at a great many). I am many things, but perfect is not one of them.

This is an issue that has plagued me for years. I am the good child, the good student, the quintessential good girl. Or so it seems. In reality, I'm just very, very good at playing the game. I'm very good at keeping up appearances, so to speak. (Perhaps this is the source of some of my social anxiety?) As I said, this issue has been bothersome for some time. I feel and have felt as if I'm sometimes accused of being perfect, as if I'm some paragon that the accuser could never live up to.

I live my life based on my expectations for myself, not others' expectations of me. I always have. I did well in school because I enjoy learning. I want to know everything about everything. I was an all-state musician in high school because I practiced a lot. I practiced a lot because I simply enjoyed playing. I'm obsessive, sometimes to a fault. That personality trait lends itself to certain results.

However, I don't expect anyone to be like me.

But this isn't about me. This is about my sister and how she seems to think I'm judging her. At 18, I was a "paragon of academic pursuit" because that's what I do. At heart, I AM an academic. I have healthy relationships because I choose to. I am very close to a very, very, very small number of people. I truly invest in those relationships, and therefore work very hard for them to be good for all involved.

I disapprove of your current relationship for several reasons, but mostly because it's unhealthy from what I have seen. Healthy relationships don't involve you saying things like "I want to hurt him back." Those kinds of statements are characteristic of unhealthy relationships, in fact. So please, forgive me if I judge. I want you to have healthy relationships.

I'm not looking down on you. I have a huge amount of respect for you. You are so many things I never will be, things I could never dream of. I just wish you would listen sometimes. I care. And I wish you wouldn't judge me. I'm not perfect. We all have issues. You are SO not special in that department.

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