Biting my tongue

I generally have a very good relationship with my mom. We went through a lot of crap when I was much younger, and so we've always been pretty close. But I swear to God if a screaming baby doesn't burst forth from me in the immediate future, I may be forced to kill her!

I went to the doctor today for my yearly checkup. My mom knew I had an appointment, so I emailed her to let her know that everything was fine. What response do I get? "You're not preggo are you?" Of course meant in a please-God-let-her-be-I-need-grandchildren-now-now-NOW way.

Of course, now she says that she was just joking. After I told her that I was biting my tongue and trying not to flip out on her.

What I really wanted to say was some combination of the following:

-How many times do I have to tell you that we're waiting until I finish grad school?
-How many times do I have to ask you not to go there?
-What part of we aren't ready to have a baby yet is unclear?
-What part of daycare costs more than our mortgage and we're not exactly rolling in dough is unclear?
-How many times do I have to explain that it's hard enough being a female and a scientist and I'm just not ready to make that more complicated yet?

I know she doesn't mean to be shoving a knife through my heart on a regular basis, but dammit this isn't easy! I have enough frustration and guilt without her continually heaping more on. I can't tell her how when my dad was dying all I could think about was how much he loved my cousin's little boy and how he would never meet my kids. And how much that still tears me to shreds.

Why do I feel bad for being different than my cousin who
-is 20 and on her second baby, with two different fathers?
-doesn't work and lives with his in laws, but has two adorable boys that he and his wife dump with a different relative every weekend because "they need a break"?

Why is it that I, the responsible one, the one with a husband and an education and a steady income and a car and house I can afford, who chooses to make responsible reproductive decisions, am the one crying over things?

A Brighter Monday

I would like to take this moment to thank Katie for Dishy Guy Monday. DGM never fails to perk me up just a bit. And somehow always leads to browsing of the DGM archives...

Speaking of Katies that I love, welcome back Katie! I missed you, and I'm super glad you're blogging again!

RBOC: Not a 3 day weekend edition

• I’m all for encouraging kids to read! Even if it is fluff (or trash). God knows I read a lot (and I mean a LOT) of fluff and trash when I was younger. For that matter I still do. I just think when books become as popular as, say, Twilight, that perhaps we should be thinking and talking about them a little more.

• I had an incredibly hot dream this morning about an incredibly hot guy, and although it was totally (and almost disturbingly) G-rated, I’m still distracted about it. Still.

• Despite the fact that it is a university holiday, we’re all here in lab. Apparently the Crazy One only believes university holidays apply to us when it suits him. He got seriously ticked last year when most of us were only here a half day or so on MLK day. But of course, it’s fine for him to take off to Disneyworld for the better part of a week and not even mention that he may not be in.

• On the other hand, Crazy Man and I have been on pretty good terms lately. Maybe it’s because one of the private society grants I wrote got funded!!! Of course, he also doesn’t realize that I really don’t have any new data since before Christmas, despite all my best efforts.

• Hopefully, the data will start flowing again. If not, I’m going to lose it. It’s starting to get frustrating.

• Crazy Man looked like I had kicked a puppy when I told him that I had found a meeting to go to. By myself, since he won’t commit to going anywhere with me. I assume he looked so sad because it’s a more signaling/cell biology oriented meeting and not really focused on our sub-field. I figure it’s a good idea to leave the nest a little, since hopefully I will be leaving the nest for good in the not too distant future.

• Speaking of which, things seem to be happening so quickly! It’s really starting to get a little scary. More on this later.

• Three of my cousins are pregnant. THREE! All younger than me, of course. Wait, of course they’re all younger than me…I’m the oldest girl. I don't knit that fast people! I'm not sure I'm going to be able to keep up. Of course, I do have one blanket almost done. More to come...

• My brain is definitely functioning like it’s Monday. Guess I better get to work.